Mirror

Reading Bible, talking to God, listening for God. It equates. Renewed realization of how He touches me, of who I should be, of who I am not. But also, of who He is.

I met with a friend the other night and we talked about all sorts of things. One of the main things I walked away with from the conversation was how I saw my sin in her. I don't remember having such a reflective moment with someone before, as I judge her actions and realize mine are the same. And play by play comparison is silly and senseless, but the realization that our motivation, our heart behind it was the same, that is biting. And I was not as much ashamed of her, upset about her, but surprised at what I am.

I was waiting in my car a few days later, leaned against the seat, the precious free time donated to my journal conveniently present. Pen hovered slightly over the page. I tried to describe it. This awakening, this knowledge that my words ring hollow, my actions a scar. My expression of it was so lame. When I was thinking intensely on my long drive that day all I could picture was some creature, gargoyle-like. Black, scaly. Sickenly addictive. And the eyes are souless. Souless as I gaze at them and don't care. But really, it is me. The one to make the decisions, the actions. The figure in my head is hidden in my heart. And I mourn my denial of it, my slow sliding into ignorance, oblivion of a life to a higher calling. I cried, as the rain fell in sheets around my car, dancing on the steaming hood, tapping hello on the sunroof. Just cried for the mistakes made, the mistakes she will make, the ones I will, the need I have for this ugly thing I love.

We can rejoice that God looks to us now, to the future, not the past. But what about the people that have seen, that know I have nothing to stand on. No righteous life, no Christlike action. Just me, me and my little gargoyle that reaches through and charms my will. He forgives us. He doesn't erase our consequences.

This isn't well written, nor probably in any way theologically accurate.

I have spent the night wrapped in a "sheet-dress," playing hide and seek in the dark, drinking wine and debating the merits of zig vs. zag. I am exhausted.

But I am also exhausted of many things. And change is step after step.

Tonight I took a step, a tiny step. May many more follow