I have found a downside to my job. I didn't think it was possible, but alas, it is such. Apparently going on vacation is really just working ahead so you can not be there when you are supposed to. This isn't alltogether bad-- the hours go towards regular work and not vacation, yet I can't help but be a little sad at the mind numbing blur of trying to produce almost two weeks worth stories in one. I feel like they're not as good at they could be, which is a shame.
The weekend. Went on a retreat to Ocean City, Maryland with Chris with a VERY loosely grouped together mass of people somehow related to Lutheran things in Pennsylvania. It was not organized, raw. People were real, open. A lot of time was wasted because there was a lack of leadership (maybe it's my lack of faith, but when people say "The only leader here is the Holy Spirit" I don't have much faith in people stepping up). It wasn't what I expected, but I'm not really sure
what I had expected. I liked the "organic" aspect to it all. I like the opportunity to forge our own path, our own thoughts, questions. I realized I miss it at where I am now. It made me question my choice of a faith community. No sudden moves- just reflection. I'm not sure I do well with huge churches. And huge "small" groups.The weekend left me much more emotionally/spiritually exhausted that I could have expected. Long story, it's a long story. On Sunday I strolled with Chris in the blinding sun on the boardwalk after the retreat and before the trip home. He grew up coming there with youth group trips every summer. The boardwalk reminded me a lot of the strip on Panama City Beach where I had gone for mission trips in college. A great time-- a time to discover God and be shocked at his depth and greatness. A beautiful time. And Chris relayed beautiful memories to me. And it was in the upper 60's and I took off my jacket, strolling hand in hand with him, the ocean rolling a hundred yards from us. I felt like I was drowing in his nostalgia. Maybe mine. I'm not sure. Life is so complicated. And our relationships are complicated. Love has different hues. I'm asking so many questions, and it seems like God just wants me to be asking if I am along with Him.
I realized today that I could easily be a vegetarian. But then I thought "Why?" So I'll continue with my herbivore ways, occasionally tearing into some flesh of some animal for convenience. I'm so lazy.
Well, I'm going to finish my glass of cheap Cabernet leftover from Ocean City, bake my pizza, do my laundry, charge my camera, and stuff everything into a bag for a frenzied sprint to Dulles Airport after interviewing 2nd graders tomorrow.
I shall summarize this post with one thing. A revised paragraph from my Lobster, taken from an email after she received a torrent of emotion in e-form from me. I love her words.
"That is a place that only God belongs. I pray that you are able to find where you stand on the strange, vulnerable scale. And I pray that when you find it, you are willing to see what the implications are . I want it to be easy, to be clear, to have an obvious outcome to be achieved, a well marked path. But deep down, the part of me that has taken stock of the good things in my own life knows that they often come after wrestling (sometimes with God Himself) and the wrenching of body parts. Sometimes a hip, sometimes a heart. But like Jacob, I pray that you grab hold of God and demand a blessing from the struggle; seek it out. He will deliver. At the end of the thing, there will be something good. I have to believe that 5, 10, 20 years down the road (wherever you are), you will be able to see that you may have limped through this period of time, but that you were able to walk with a promise, a hope, a strength that comes from knowing that you were able to move forward because of God's grace.
Well, I'm going to finish my glass of cheap Cabernet leftover from Ocean City, bake my pizza, do my laundry, charge my camera, and stuff everything into a bag for a frenzied sprint to Dulles Airport after interviewing 2nd graders tomorrow.
I shall summarize this post with one thing. A revised paragraph from my Lobster, taken from an email after she received a torrent of emotion in e-form from me. I love her words.
"That is a place that only God belongs. I pray that you are able to find where you stand on the strange, vulnerable scale. And I pray that when you find it, you are willing to see what the implications are . I want it to be easy, to be clear, to have an obvious outcome to be achieved, a well marked path. But deep down, the part of me that has taken stock of the good things in my own life knows that they often come after wrestling (sometimes with God Himself) and the wrenching of body parts. Sometimes a hip, sometimes a heart. But like Jacob, I pray that you grab hold of God and demand a blessing from the struggle; seek it out. He will deliver. At the end of the thing, there will be something good. I have to believe that 5, 10, 20 years down the road (wherever you are), you will be able to see that you may have limped through this period of time, but that you were able to walk with a promise, a hope, a strength that comes from knowing that you were able to move forward because of God's grace.
And that, is a happy ending.
